Life is my Battlefield.

People think I'm nice. They think I'm friendly. Some go so far as to think I'm caring and compassionate. Maybe I am these things or maybe that's just the surface, a mask.

Deeper down I hate people, even most persons. I hate the way they talk at me, how some smile at me, how some call me their friend. Maybe I'm just jealous and bitter. Maybe I'm to much of a coward to tell them what I really feel.

Maybe I'm too complacent. Maybe I'm lonely. Lonely and bitter, that's probably it. And too complacent to trouble anyone with my problems. After all why should I? Everyone has there own problems to deal with, so why bother them with mine?

But then again, everyone seems to bother me with theirs. Why do perfect strangers go out of their way to tell me their problems? Maybe I really am that nice, caring, and compassionate person. Maybe I'm destined to be some sort of social pariah. Maybe I should grow a back bone and tell them all to FUCK OFF!

But would that help anything? This world just seems to be getting worse or maybe I'm just starting to notice how bad it's always been. I'm hoping I've just turned a blind eye to all the good out there. After all enough people and persons have told me I am a good person. So if that's true there must still be some good out there as I am living proof.

I am by no means saintly. I have my vices like everyone else. Maybe I just hide them better. I get angry over the smallest thing sometimes. It makes me want to break things and hurt people. For the most part I can keep this anger in check, but I'm worried that one day I'll lose that control and do something well worth regretting.

I also worry about the anxiety attacks that have occurred over the last few months. In public they stay pretty mild, but if severe enough I feel driven to get away from everyone. Once alone they get worse and I feel like I want to die. That scares me.

Sometimes it seems like it would be so easy to do. I suppose it would if I set my mind to it. But that would be a coward's way out and my pride won't let me do that. I know physically I'm not the strongest person around but in my heart I'm a warrior. Life is a battle and I intend to win.

This is what gets me through my days. This is my counter to my anxiety attacks. This is my reason for living. Maybe I'm kind and caring. Maybe I'm bitter and angry. Maybe I'm all of it. All I know at this moment is that this had been my rant about the world and my confession of self. I feel lighter than I did when I started. Maybe this is what I needed to do to start the next part of my journey.

I Am Not an Animal: The Human Superiority Complex

So I've had this idea rolling around in my head for a bit now. People always seem to over look the fact that human beings are in fact animals. They act as though they are something better, something greater, but are they? Does the ability to reason or reflect or what ever it is that sets us apart as a species really makes us more than just animals? It's not a unique theme in many religious creation stories to have the human set as the better, the steward, the apex of creation.

I propose that this all part of a collective superiority complex. Humans as a species are ambitious. We strive and thirst for excellence. One way to do this is to place above all other animals. It's to the point that people feel guilty when they give into their base instincts. We punish ourselves and each other for doing that. We develop codes of conduct that if not followed make us no better than wild cur.

The truth is we're trapped in this way of thinking. Many of the things that we'd do if we just followed our base instincts would be violent, mean, or just plain rude if we held them up to our human standards. It goes beyond just feeling greater than other animals as well. At some point we gain this need to feel better than other humans. I admit that even now as I write this I gain a sense of superiority and it's only farther boosted by admitting that.

The problem is even though this complex keeps most of us from maiming and killing each other because 'that person stole your favourite toy', the quest for superiority makes us harm those around us in other ways. We hurt others feeling and ostracize those we find undesirable and lots of people will go out of there way to do it. Still others, often unaware, do it out of habit.

It hinders our ability to connect to each other. A person makes a single mistake that goes against our established code of conduct and suddenly they have no friends. Everyone else' morals and ethics dictates that they must eradicate this person from there life or risk appearing to approve of that person's mistake. It is this attitude that make people hide there mistakes and prevents them from fixing them.

I say morals and ethics be damned. They are great guidelines to help you avoid making your own mistakes but they shouldn't get in the way of friendships. If a person makes a mistake, violates the proper conduct, but realizes that they have and wants to fix it there is no reason to exclude them from you life, no matter how horrible the mistake is. You don't need to approve of their mistake but you should help them fix it in anyway possible even if that just showing your support of your friendship.

If more people followed this the world might just be a happier place. Things might be simpler and than again they might not. The whole concept seems difficult to grasp as it goes against many people's established code of conduct. Well maybe one day.