Stuck in the Mud

So here it is, my first blog. I swore to myself I'd never do this. How many times has that been said? So many people seem to throw such meaningless crap in these things and I suppose that to the random reader mine will seem no different.

I guess the truth is it isn't meaningless to the person writing it. They could be posting it for any number of reasons and could be talking about any number of things but at the moment what ever it is is important to them.

For me I'm posting what on my mind just to see what comes out. I do think with friends on msn all the time. I just start typing to see where I go. I suppose I could easily do this alone on wordpad where no one needs be bothered with it, but the truth is there is something comforting about knowing that someone else may read this. It makes me feel connected.

I live alone in what appears at first glance to be a homophobic town. Through a twist of fate all of my friends I hang out with on a regular basis now live on the other side of town and winter is setting in, making unbelievably annoying to get to the other side of town. It's not impossible, but waiting for a bus in anything below -10 degrees isn't my idea of a good time. I suppose I'm shutting myself in. I could easily go out any night of the week and hang out with my friends but than there is reality to contend with.

More often than not I have little spend money. When I have it I like to spend it on my friends, paying so a friends can go to the movies, buying munchies, that sort of thing. On the flip side I hate it when my friends pay for thing for me. When it's me paying I do it not expecting anything back and I'm sure that when my friends pay they don't expect anything either. But regardless of what they expect I guess I feel obligated to pay them back. (Shogan I have no idea how much I own you but I won't ever forget that I do.)

I guess that's just my pride. I've been on my own for more than 2 years now and I guess I've become self reliant. Maybe I've been that way for longer than that. I feel i have to pay my own way so that I'm not a burden on anyone else i guess. Which leads into another piece of reality i must contend with and that is my need to sleep in my bed.

My friends are great and recognize that living on the opposite end of town there is a chance that I won't get home that night for what ever reason. There is always a couch or a spare bed I can crash on, which I'm thankful for, but than too I've become a burden. I'm in their space and disrupting their normal routine.

They'll probably feel obligated to feed me in the morning. I always try to avoid that. I try to only eat my friends' food if that was the plan. Only if I was going over for supper or play D&D, which inevitably involves snacks. If I was the inopportune house guest the night before, I decline breakfast vigorously to lessen the burden I've already put on my friends.

To avoid all of this I guess tend not to go out of my way to make plans to go out. If I'm invited I readily accept, but most nights I stay at home hoping for someone to call. So I guess this is what has lead to purpose of my title. With all the time I spend at home I become quickly bored of everything around me.

I occasionally find something new to entertain myself with but after a while I get bored of it. Even this blog may become a passing fancy in an attempt to stay sane. I feel that I've become trapped inside myself. I've become too intraspective. This may be the cause of my previous ranting of being a burden to my friends. I'm too complacent I guess. This last weekend though I think I managed to break out my shell for a bit.

I went out with my friends Shogan and Devha to skuttlebutts. It has a reputation for being an old people bar, but it fun. There were people from all age groups, 19+ of course, and it was just packed. There was a live band for a bit and the dance floor was like a mosh pit. it was a mess of people oogling, groping and being groped. I could grab a guys ass and he wouldn't care cause he wouldn't know who had done it.

All of the energy was just amazing. I'm sure the few drinks I had helped, but leaving there after I felt amazing. I felt open and uninhibited. I think I'm gonna try to be more like that from now on. We'll see how that goes. thx for reading, type to you later.