Oct 5, 2 Years Later

I don't know how many people know this about me but I was arrested on this date two years ago. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to write about but I feel I need to mark this event. I thought about posting this directly to my Facebook for all my friends and family to see, and I may yet post a link to this when I'm done. In the end though, I decided on here so that I can tell myself I put it out there but still have some control of how I share it.

This event has been a defining point in my life. I feel it was almost inevitable, but what I was doing which lead to being arrested isn't as important as why I was doing it. The bottom line is I was attempting to deal with personal issues in an inappropriate manner because I was unsure how to find the appropriate help I needed. I'm making no attempt to defend or excuse myself from my actions, only to accept my responsibility for them. Over the last 2 years I've spoken with many counselors trying to find the real help I needed and eventually I did.

I wouldn't say I'm fixed, but I have been given insight into my issues. This has allowed me to approach my life differently and become much happier. That road wasn't easy though and I lost a lot on the way, arguably more then I found. There are close friends who won't speak to me now and places I can't go. I lost my best friend, though that may have happened anyways and my arrest was just a catalyst.

One thing I've kept almost completely to myself is for a long time I was suicidal. This goes back as far as my teenage years, but after my arrest it was really bad. I went so far as to have an actual plan ready to go and was just waiting for an excuse. For a while it became my habit to ask myself, 'am I doing it today?' Two things kept me going, hope of a better tomorrow and love of my family and the friends I still had. Slowly I stopped asking myself that question until finally I stopped all together.

I'm sure you've noticed I haven't said what I was arrested for and I'm not going to. The thing I've noticed about doing bad things is they tend to cling to you then when people find out about them, they begin to define you and I don't want that. I regret doing what lead to my arrest but it is something I have to live with. The only thing I can do now is learn from my mistakes and use that knowledge to become a better person.