Life is my Battlefield.

People think I'm nice. They think I'm friendly. Some go so far as to think I'm caring and compassionate. Maybe I am these things or maybe that's just the surface, a mask.

Deeper down I hate people, even most persons. I hate the way they talk at me, how some smile at me, how some call me their friend. Maybe I'm just jealous and bitter. Maybe I'm to much of a coward to tell them what I really feel.

Maybe I'm too complacent. Maybe I'm lonely. Lonely and bitter, that's probably it. And too complacent to trouble anyone with my problems. After all why should I? Everyone has there own problems to deal with, so why bother them with mine?

But then again, everyone seems to bother me with theirs. Why do perfect strangers go out of their way to tell me their problems? Maybe I really am that nice, caring, and compassionate person. Maybe I'm destined to be some sort of social pariah. Maybe I should grow a back bone and tell them all to FUCK OFF!

But would that help anything? This world just seems to be getting worse or maybe I'm just starting to notice how bad it's always been. I'm hoping I've just turned a blind eye to all the good out there. After all enough people and persons have told me I am a good person. So if that's true there must still be some good out there as I am living proof.

I am by no means saintly. I have my vices like everyone else. Maybe I just hide them better. I get angry over the smallest thing sometimes. It makes me want to break things and hurt people. For the most part I can keep this anger in check, but I'm worried that one day I'll lose that control and do something well worth regretting.

I also worry about the anxiety attacks that have occurred over the last few months. In public they stay pretty mild, but if severe enough I feel driven to get away from everyone. Once alone they get worse and I feel like I want to die. That scares me.

Sometimes it seems like it would be so easy to do. I suppose it would if I set my mind to it. But that would be a coward's way out and my pride won't let me do that. I know physically I'm not the strongest person around but in my heart I'm a warrior. Life is a battle and I intend to win.

This is what gets me through my days. This is my counter to my anxiety attacks. This is my reason for living. Maybe I'm kind and caring. Maybe I'm bitter and angry. Maybe I'm all of it. All I know at this moment is that this had been my rant about the world and my confession of self. I feel lighter than I did when I started. Maybe this is what I needed to do to start the next part of my journey.

I Am Not an Animal: The Human Superiority Complex

So I've had this idea rolling around in my head for a bit now. People always seem to over look the fact that human beings are in fact animals. They act as though they are something better, something greater, but are they? Does the ability to reason or reflect or what ever it is that sets us apart as a species really makes us more than just animals? It's not a unique theme in many religious creation stories to have the human set as the better, the steward, the apex of creation.

I propose that this all part of a collective superiority complex. Humans as a species are ambitious. We strive and thirst for excellence. One way to do this is to place above all other animals. It's to the point that people feel guilty when they give into their base instincts. We punish ourselves and each other for doing that. We develop codes of conduct that if not followed make us no better than wild cur.

The truth is we're trapped in this way of thinking. Many of the things that we'd do if we just followed our base instincts would be violent, mean, or just plain rude if we held them up to our human standards. It goes beyond just feeling greater than other animals as well. At some point we gain this need to feel better than other humans. I admit that even now as I write this I gain a sense of superiority and it's only farther boosted by admitting that.

The problem is even though this complex keeps most of us from maiming and killing each other because 'that person stole your favourite toy', the quest for superiority makes us harm those around us in other ways. We hurt others feeling and ostracize those we find undesirable and lots of people will go out of there way to do it. Still others, often unaware, do it out of habit.

It hinders our ability to connect to each other. A person makes a single mistake that goes against our established code of conduct and suddenly they have no friends. Everyone else' morals and ethics dictates that they must eradicate this person from there life or risk appearing to approve of that person's mistake. It is this attitude that make people hide there mistakes and prevents them from fixing them.

I say morals and ethics be damned. They are great guidelines to help you avoid making your own mistakes but they shouldn't get in the way of friendships. If a person makes a mistake, violates the proper conduct, but realizes that they have and wants to fix it there is no reason to exclude them from you life, no matter how horrible the mistake is. You don't need to approve of their mistake but you should help them fix it in anyway possible even if that just showing your support of your friendship.

If more people followed this the world might just be a happier place. Things might be simpler and than again they might not. The whole concept seems difficult to grasp as it goes against many people's established code of conduct. Well maybe one day.

Whiny Gay Boy Rant

Hey again. I wanna talk a little about a topic I get hung up on sometimes and that's homosexuality. As you may have guessed from my last posts, yes I am gay. Whoopy! I guess that makes this another one of those whiny gay boy blogs, whatever.

What I want to talk about right now is my opinion of "the gay gene." If there was ever controversy for the sake of having an argument here it is. I am a firm believer in the gay gene because A) My lower head knows what it likes and it ain't girls and B) I don't think homosexuality would be as wide spread or as big an issue in the eyes of lots peoples if it wasn't genetic. Also as far as I can piece together, Homosexuality has been observed in the human race for centuries perhaps millenia. It's really not something all that new.

What about the rest of the animal kingdom for that matter. Dogs, penguins, it's said that one sixth of the animal kingdom is gay. I'm sure Rex and Fido didn't just one day decide it would be cool and rebellious to do each other up the butt. It's natural is all I'm trying to get at I guess. It all works the same more or less. I won't get into the mechanics of anal sex here, but I will say that it's more less the same as vaginal sex except without the uterus.

What brings this topic about here is a video I saw on Youtube called "Gay Scientists Isolate Christian Gene".

Here's the link if your curious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCzbNkyXO50

When I first watched this I thought, 'Ha, that's pretty funny,' but than I got really thinking. Sure at first glance this is a harmless parody of what's been going on with the gay gene. But if you think about it you might come to the conclusion that these guys are saying homosexuality is not genetic.

When I started typing I was really worked up about this video but I guess now that I've gotten this all out of my system it really doesn't seem like such a big deal. It's just another one of those stupid videos on YouTube. There is just so much to argue about on this topic though and I felt like putting some of my opinion out there.

Well thx for listening. Type to you later.

Boys and Angels

So for my second post I was thinking I'd talk about the picture in my header. This is my favourite pic that I've ever found on the Internet. I found it several years ago on quizilla.com. I can't remember what the quiz was exactly, it was either what kind of angel are you or what kind of personality do u have.

At any rate this pic was for the "Mellow" result. I didn't actually get that result but I had the option of seeing them all and when I saw the pic I instantly fell in love with it. Of course this was during grade 10 or 11, maybe even 12, but at any rate I was still quite the closet case. To see this picture of two obviously male characters in such an intimate pose was amazing to see.

It was a scary time when I was afraid of being open about who I was. Sure I was out to some people that I trusted but it felt like it would be the end of the world if any random stranger found out I was gay.

I secreted this pic away onto my memory stick. It was, and still is, sacred and beautiful to me and became an inspiration in quite a few of my random writings. I guess I hope to be part of this picture someday. I often look at it and contemplate my place in it.

I sometimes envision myself as the boy with the silver hair. Having someone to hold me close and watch over me. Sometimes I picture myself as the green haired angel. To be the quiet protector holding my loved one close. It's just full of meaning for me and represents a dream that I'm actively working towards.

I guess that's all I have to say for now. Thx for listening. Type to you later.

Stuck in the Mud

So here it is, my first blog. I swore to myself I'd never do this. How many times has that been said? So many people seem to throw such meaningless crap in these things and I suppose that to the random reader mine will seem no different.

I guess the truth is it isn't meaningless to the person writing it. They could be posting it for any number of reasons and could be talking about any number of things but at the moment what ever it is is important to them.

For me I'm posting what on my mind just to see what comes out. I do think with friends on msn all the time. I just start typing to see where I go. I suppose I could easily do this alone on wordpad where no one needs be bothered with it, but the truth is there is something comforting about knowing that someone else may read this. It makes me feel connected.

I live alone in what appears at first glance to be a homophobic town. Through a twist of fate all of my friends I hang out with on a regular basis now live on the other side of town and winter is setting in, making unbelievably annoying to get to the other side of town. It's not impossible, but waiting for a bus in anything below -10 degrees isn't my idea of a good time. I suppose I'm shutting myself in. I could easily go out any night of the week and hang out with my friends but than there is reality to contend with.

More often than not I have little spend money. When I have it I like to spend it on my friends, paying so a friends can go to the movies, buying munchies, that sort of thing. On the flip side I hate it when my friends pay for thing for me. When it's me paying I do it not expecting anything back and I'm sure that when my friends pay they don't expect anything either. But regardless of what they expect I guess I feel obligated to pay them back. (Shogan I have no idea how much I own you but I won't ever forget that I do.)

I guess that's just my pride. I've been on my own for more than 2 years now and I guess I've become self reliant. Maybe I've been that way for longer than that. I feel i have to pay my own way so that I'm not a burden on anyone else i guess. Which leads into another piece of reality i must contend with and that is my need to sleep in my bed.

My friends are great and recognize that living on the opposite end of town there is a chance that I won't get home that night for what ever reason. There is always a couch or a spare bed I can crash on, which I'm thankful for, but than too I've become a burden. I'm in their space and disrupting their normal routine.

They'll probably feel obligated to feed me in the morning. I always try to avoid that. I try to only eat my friends' food if that was the plan. Only if I was going over for supper or play D&D, which inevitably involves snacks. If I was the inopportune house guest the night before, I decline breakfast vigorously to lessen the burden I've already put on my friends.

To avoid all of this I guess tend not to go out of my way to make plans to go out. If I'm invited I readily accept, but most nights I stay at home hoping for someone to call. So I guess this is what has lead to purpose of my title. With all the time I spend at home I become quickly bored of everything around me.

I occasionally find something new to entertain myself with but after a while I get bored of it. Even this blog may become a passing fancy in an attempt to stay sane. I feel that I've become trapped inside myself. I've become too intraspective. This may be the cause of my previous ranting of being a burden to my friends. I'm too complacent I guess. This last weekend though I think I managed to break out my shell for a bit.

I went out with my friends Shogan and Devha to skuttlebutts. It has a reputation for being an old people bar, but it fun. There were people from all age groups, 19+ of course, and it was just packed. There was a live band for a bit and the dance floor was like a mosh pit. it was a mess of people oogling, groping and being groped. I could grab a guys ass and he wouldn't care cause he wouldn't know who had done it.

All of the energy was just amazing. I'm sure the few drinks I had helped, but leaving there after I felt amazing. I felt open and uninhibited. I think I'm gonna try to be more like that from now on. We'll see how that goes. thx for reading, type to you later.