So I've been pondering the concept of self responsibility for a while now and there was something I kept getting tripped up on that I think I finally made sense of in my head. It seems like such a simple concept, You are responsible for your own actions and their outcome.
What's so difficult about that you ask? Well it's the fact that we don't just spontaneously act without cause. Every decision we make, every quirk of our personalities, is the result of the culmination of our own personal experiences in the world, but we don't experience the world alone. Our experiences are shared with, imposed on, and given to us. We each have our own perspective in the experience but others did contribute.
What had me tripped up was if the decisions we make are the result of our experiences of interactions with other people then why are these people not responsible for the result of our actions which they ultimately set in motion? This gets even more complicated when you stop to consider that these people's interactions with us were the result of their own experiences of interactions with other people who's experiences were the result of their own experiences of interactions with other people and so on. It doesn't stop. How could anyone ultimately claim responsibility for their own actions when they were the inevitable outcome of their interactions with other people who like wise can't claim responsibility for their actions as they were the inevitable outcome of their interactions and so on.
It really seems like I've over thought this doesn't it? And the thing is the conclusion I've come to in my ponderings seems so simple now that the beginning of this explanations feels utterly ridicules. My conclusion is that each person is responsible for managing their experiences, assessing what they have learned from each encounter and applying the knowledge to their next one. We have a responsibility to better ourselves with each experience.
It floors me how long I went around in circles in my head until I got to this. I think in general people like being able to say it's someone else's fault and avoid any responsibility. And can you blame someone for doing that? Responsibility is hard. It puts you center stage. You are the fall guy. However I think if everyone took responsibility for managing their own experiences, responsibility for themselves, then everyone would be working to better themselves. It wouldn't matter if you messed up because if everyone is center stage then center stage is just the stage everyone shares. All you'd do is learn from your experience and make yourself better.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Oct 5, 2 Years Later
I don't know how many people know this about me but I was arrested on this date two years ago. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to write about but I feel I need to mark this event. I thought about posting this directly to my Facebook for all my friends and family to see, and I may yet post a link to this when I'm done. In the end though, I decided on here so that I can tell myself I put it out there but still have some control of how I share it.
This event has been a defining point in my life. I feel it was almost inevitable, but what I was doing which lead to being arrested isn't as important as why I was doing it. The bottom line is I was attempting to deal with personal issues in an inappropriate manner because I was unsure how to find the appropriate help I needed. I'm making no attempt to defend or excuse myself from my actions, only to accept my responsibility for them. Over the last 2 years I've spoken with many counselors trying to find the real help I needed and eventually I did.
I wouldn't say I'm fixed, but I have been given insight into my issues. This has allowed me to approach my life differently and become much happier. That road wasn't easy though and I lost a lot on the way, arguably more then I found. There are close friends who won't speak to me now and places I can't go. I lost my best friend, though that may have happened anyways and my arrest was just a catalyst.
One thing I've kept almost completely to myself is for a long time I was suicidal. This goes back as far as my teenage years, but after my arrest it was really bad. I went so far as to have an actual plan ready to go and was just waiting for an excuse. For a while it became my habit to ask myself, 'am I doing it today?' Two things kept me going, hope of a better tomorrow and love of my family and the friends I still had. Slowly I stopped asking myself that question until finally I stopped all together.
I'm sure you've noticed I haven't said what I was arrested for and I'm not going to. The thing I've noticed about doing bad things is they tend to cling to you then when people find out about them, they begin to define you and I don't want that. I regret doing what lead to my arrest but it is something I have to live with. The only thing I can do now is learn from my mistakes and use that knowledge to become a better person.
This event has been a defining point in my life. I feel it was almost inevitable, but what I was doing which lead to being arrested isn't as important as why I was doing it. The bottom line is I was attempting to deal with personal issues in an inappropriate manner because I was unsure how to find the appropriate help I needed. I'm making no attempt to defend or excuse myself from my actions, only to accept my responsibility for them. Over the last 2 years I've spoken with many counselors trying to find the real help I needed and eventually I did.
I wouldn't say I'm fixed, but I have been given insight into my issues. This has allowed me to approach my life differently and become much happier. That road wasn't easy though and I lost a lot on the way, arguably more then I found. There are close friends who won't speak to me now and places I can't go. I lost my best friend, though that may have happened anyways and my arrest was just a catalyst.
One thing I've kept almost completely to myself is for a long time I was suicidal. This goes back as far as my teenage years, but after my arrest it was really bad. I went so far as to have an actual plan ready to go and was just waiting for an excuse. For a while it became my habit to ask myself, 'am I doing it today?' Two things kept me going, hope of a better tomorrow and love of my family and the friends I still had. Slowly I stopped asking myself that question until finally I stopped all together.
I'm sure you've noticed I haven't said what I was arrested for and I'm not going to. The thing I've noticed about doing bad things is they tend to cling to you then when people find out about them, they begin to define you and I don't want that. I regret doing what lead to my arrest but it is something I have to live with. The only thing I can do now is learn from my mistakes and use that knowledge to become a better person.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Shower Took Longer then I Thought
So it's been about two and a half years since my last post. I don't know why I stopped blogging but not to long ago a cousin of mine posted on Facebook that she was starting a blog. Ever since seeing that I've had the itch to have a go at mine again so here I am.
The title of this post is both a reference to taking so bloody long to post since my last one and a reference to my very first post. During my time not blogging I made some considerable stride in getting myself unstuck from the mud and cleaning it off. I bought a house this past October with the help of my dad, February eighth was the first anniversary of my relationship with the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, I've become closer with my friends, and I feel I've grown a lot as a person in both mind and spirit.
It's not all been fish sticks and custard though. Last June my grandma on my mum's side, my Nanny, passed away after living with Alzheimer's disease for almost the last decade, a favourite hobby of mine was ruined for me by people who sought to control how the involved group was run through use of lies, slander, and rumour mongering, and just before this past Christmas I found out my dog had cancer and had to put her down.
So you can see that I've been living life with it's ups and downs and I think I'm doing okay. I'm going to be making an effort to post more from now on because one can never have too many creative outlets. Type to you sooner rather then later.
The title of this post is both a reference to taking so bloody long to post since my last one and a reference to my very first post. During my time not blogging I made some considerable stride in getting myself unstuck from the mud and cleaning it off. I bought a house this past October with the help of my dad, February eighth was the first anniversary of my relationship with the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with, I've become closer with my friends, and I feel I've grown a lot as a person in both mind and spirit.
It's not all been fish sticks and custard though. Last June my grandma on my mum's side, my Nanny, passed away after living with Alzheimer's disease for almost the last decade, a favourite hobby of mine was ruined for me by people who sought to control how the involved group was run through use of lies, slander, and rumour mongering, and just before this past Christmas I found out my dog had cancer and had to put her down.
So you can see that I've been living life with it's ups and downs and I think I'm doing okay. I'm going to be making an effort to post more from now on because one can never have too many creative outlets. Type to you sooner rather then later.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Life is my Battlefield.
People think I'm nice. They think I'm friendly. Some go so far as to think I'm caring and compassionate. Maybe I am these things or maybe that's just the surface, a mask.
Deeper down I hate people, even most persons. I hate the way they talk at me, how some smile at me, how some call me their friend. Maybe I'm just jealous and bitter. Maybe I'm to much of a coward to tell them what I really feel.
Maybe I'm too complacent. Maybe I'm lonely. Lonely and bitter, that's probably it. And too complacent to trouble anyone with my problems. After all why should I? Everyone has there own problems to deal with, so why bother them with mine?
But then again, everyone seems to bother me with theirs. Why do perfect strangers go out of their way to tell me their problems? Maybe I really am that nice, caring, and compassionate person. Maybe I'm destined to be some sort of social pariah. Maybe I should grow a back bone and tell them all to FUCK OFF!
But would that help anything? This world just seems to be getting worse or maybe I'm just starting to notice how bad it's always been. I'm hoping I've just turned a blind eye to all the good out there. After all enough people and persons have told me I am a good person. So if that's true there must still be some good out there as I am living proof.
I am by no means saintly. I have my vices like everyone else. Maybe I just hide them better. I get angry over the smallest thing sometimes. It makes me want to break things and hurt people. For the most part I can keep this anger in check, but I'm worried that one day I'll lose that control and do something well worth regretting.
I also worry about the anxiety attacks that have occurred over the last few months. In public they stay pretty mild, but if severe enough I feel driven to get away from everyone. Once alone they get worse and I feel like I want to die. That scares me.
Sometimes it seems like it would be so easy to do. I suppose it would if I set my mind to it. But that would be a coward's way out and my pride won't let me do that. I know physically I'm not the strongest person around but in my heart I'm a warrior. Life is a battle and I intend to win.
This is what gets me through my days. This is my counter to my anxiety attacks. This is my reason for living. Maybe I'm kind and caring. Maybe I'm bitter and angry. Maybe I'm all of it. All I know at this moment is that this had been my rant about the world and my confession of self. I feel lighter than I did when I started. Maybe this is what I needed to do to start the next part of my journey.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I Am Not an Animal: The Human Superiority Complex
So I've had this idea rolling around in my head for a bit now. People always seem to over look the fact that human beings are in fact animals. They act as though they are something better, something greater, but are they? Does the ability to reason or reflect or what ever it is that sets us apart as a species really makes us more than just animals? It's not a unique theme in many religious creation stories to have the human set as the better, the steward, the apex of creation.
I propose that this all part of a collective superiority complex. Humans as a species are ambitious. We strive and thirst for excellence. One way to do this is to place above all other animals. It's to the point that people feel guilty when they give into their base instincts. We punish ourselves and each other for doing that. We develop codes of conduct that if not followed make us no better than wild cur.
The truth is we're trapped in this way of thinking. Many of the things that we'd do if we just followed our base instincts would be violent, mean, or just plain rude if we held them up to our human standards. It goes beyond just feeling greater than other animals as well. At some point we gain this need to feel better than other humans. I admit that even now as I write this I gain a sense of superiority and it's only farther boosted by admitting that.
The problem is even though this complex keeps most of us from maiming and killing each other because 'that person stole your favourite toy', the quest for superiority makes us harm those around us in other ways. We hurt others feeling and ostracize those we find undesirable and lots of people will go out of there way to do it. Still others, often unaware, do it out of habit.
It hinders our ability to connect to each other. A person makes a single mistake that goes against our established code of conduct and suddenly they have no friends. Everyone else' morals and ethics dictates that they must eradicate this person from there life or risk appearing to approve of that person's mistake. It is this attitude that make people hide there mistakes and prevents them from fixing them.
I say morals and ethics be damned. They are great guidelines to help you avoid making your own mistakes but they shouldn't get in the way of friendships. If a person makes a mistake, violates the proper conduct, but realizes that they have and wants to fix it there is no reason to exclude them from you life, no matter how horrible the mistake is. You don't need to approve of their mistake but you should help them fix it in anyway possible even if that just showing your support of your friendship.
If more people followed this the world might just be a happier place. Things might be simpler and than again they might not. The whole concept seems difficult to grasp as it goes against many people's established code of conduct. Well maybe one day.
I propose that this all part of a collective superiority complex. Humans as a species are ambitious. We strive and thirst for excellence. One way to do this is to place above all other animals. It's to the point that people feel guilty when they give into their base instincts. We punish ourselves and each other for doing that. We develop codes of conduct that if not followed make us no better than wild cur.
The truth is we're trapped in this way of thinking. Many of the things that we'd do if we just followed our base instincts would be violent, mean, or just plain rude if we held them up to our human standards. It goes beyond just feeling greater than other animals as well. At some point we gain this need to feel better than other humans. I admit that even now as I write this I gain a sense of superiority and it's only farther boosted by admitting that.
The problem is even though this complex keeps most of us from maiming and killing each other because 'that person stole your favourite toy', the quest for superiority makes us harm those around us in other ways. We hurt others feeling and ostracize those we find undesirable and lots of people will go out of there way to do it. Still others, often unaware, do it out of habit.
It hinders our ability to connect to each other. A person makes a single mistake that goes against our established code of conduct and suddenly they have no friends. Everyone else' morals and ethics dictates that they must eradicate this person from there life or risk appearing to approve of that person's mistake. It is this attitude that make people hide there mistakes and prevents them from fixing them.
I say morals and ethics be damned. They are great guidelines to help you avoid making your own mistakes but they shouldn't get in the way of friendships. If a person makes a mistake, violates the proper conduct, but realizes that they have and wants to fix it there is no reason to exclude them from you life, no matter how horrible the mistake is. You don't need to approve of their mistake but you should help them fix it in anyway possible even if that just showing your support of your friendship.
If more people followed this the world might just be a happier place. Things might be simpler and than again they might not. The whole concept seems difficult to grasp as it goes against many people's established code of conduct. Well maybe one day.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Whiny Gay Boy Rant
Hey again. I wanna talk a little about a topic I get hung up on sometimes and that's homosexuality. As you may have guessed from my last posts, yes I am gay. Whoopy! I guess that makes this another one of those whiny gay boy blogs, whatever.
What I want to talk about right now is my opinion of "the gay gene." If there was ever controversy for the sake of having an argument here it is. I am a firm believer in the gay gene because A) My lower head knows what it likes and it ain't girls and B) I don't think homosexuality would be as wide spread or as big an issue in the eyes of lots peoples if it wasn't genetic. Also as far as I can piece together, Homosexuality has been observed in the human race for centuries perhaps millenia. It's really not something all that new.
What about the rest of the animal kingdom for that matter. Dogs, penguins, it's said that one sixth of the animal kingdom is gay. I'm sure Rex and Fido didn't just one day decide it would be cool and rebellious to do each other up the butt. It's natural is all I'm trying to get at I guess. It all works the same more or less. I won't get into the mechanics of anal sex here, but I will say that it's more less the same as vaginal sex except without the uterus.
What brings this topic about here is a video I saw on Youtube called "Gay Scientists Isolate Christian Gene".
Here's the link if your curious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCzbNkyXO50
When I first watched this I thought, 'Ha, that's pretty funny,' but than I got really thinking. Sure at first glance this is a harmless parody of what's been going on with the gay gene. But if you think about it you might come to the conclusion that these guys are saying homosexuality is not genetic.
When I started typing I was really worked up about this video but I guess now that I've gotten this all out of my system it really doesn't seem like such a big deal. It's just another one of those stupid videos on YouTube. There is just so much to argue about on this topic though and I felt like putting some of my opinion out there.
Well thx for listening. Type to you later.
What I want to talk about right now is my opinion of "the gay gene." If there was ever controversy for the sake of having an argument here it is. I am a firm believer in the gay gene because A) My lower head knows what it likes and it ain't girls and B) I don't think homosexuality would be as wide spread or as big an issue in the eyes of lots peoples if it wasn't genetic. Also as far as I can piece together, Homosexuality has been observed in the human race for centuries perhaps millenia. It's really not something all that new.
What about the rest of the animal kingdom for that matter. Dogs, penguins, it's said that one sixth of the animal kingdom is gay. I'm sure Rex and Fido didn't just one day decide it would be cool and rebellious to do each other up the butt. It's natural is all I'm trying to get at I guess. It all works the same more or less. I won't get into the mechanics of anal sex here, but I will say that it's more less the same as vaginal sex except without the uterus.
What brings this topic about here is a video I saw on Youtube called "Gay Scientists Isolate Christian Gene".
Here's the link if your curious: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCzbNkyXO50
When I first watched this I thought, 'Ha, that's pretty funny,' but than I got really thinking. Sure at first glance this is a harmless parody of what's been going on with the gay gene. But if you think about it you might come to the conclusion that these guys are saying homosexuality is not genetic.
When I started typing I was really worked up about this video but I guess now that I've gotten this all out of my system it really doesn't seem like such a big deal. It's just another one of those stupid videos on YouTube. There is just so much to argue about on this topic though and I felt like putting some of my opinion out there.
Well thx for listening. Type to you later.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Boys and Angels
So for my second post I was thinking I'd talk about the picture in my header. This is my favourite pic that I've ever found on the Internet. I found it several years ago on quizilla.com. I can't remember what the quiz was exactly, it was either what kind of angel are you or what kind of personality do u have.
At any rate this pic was for the "Mellow" result. I didn't actually get that result but I had the option of seeing them all and when I saw the pic I instantly fell in love with it. Of course this was during grade 10 or 11, maybe even 12, but at any rate I was still quite the closet case. To see this picture of two obviously male characters in such an intimate pose was amazing to see.
It was a scary time when I was afraid of being open about who I was. Sure I was out to some people that I trusted but it felt like it would be the end of the world if any random stranger found out I was gay.
I secreted this pic away onto my memory stick. It was, and still is, sacred and beautiful to me and became an inspiration in quite a few of my random writings. I guess I hope to be part of this picture someday. I often look at it and contemplate my place in it.
I sometimes envision myself as the boy with the silver hair. Having someone to hold me close and watch over me. Sometimes I picture myself as the green haired angel. To be the quiet protector holding my loved one close. It's just full of meaning for me and represents a dream that I'm actively working towards.
I guess that's all I have to say for now. Thx for listening. Type to you later.
At any rate this pic was for the "Mellow" result. I didn't actually get that result but I had the option of seeing them all and when I saw the pic I instantly fell in love with it. Of course this was during grade 10 or 11, maybe even 12, but at any rate I was still quite the closet case. To see this picture of two obviously male characters in such an intimate pose was amazing to see.
It was a scary time when I was afraid of being open about who I was. Sure I was out to some people that I trusted but it felt like it would be the end of the world if any random stranger found out I was gay.
I secreted this pic away onto my memory stick. It was, and still is, sacred and beautiful to me and became an inspiration in quite a few of my random writings. I guess I hope to be part of this picture someday. I often look at it and contemplate my place in it.
I sometimes envision myself as the boy with the silver hair. Having someone to hold me close and watch over me. Sometimes I picture myself as the green haired angel. To be the quiet protector holding my loved one close. It's just full of meaning for me and represents a dream that I'm actively working towards.
I guess that's all I have to say for now. Thx for listening. Type to you later.
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